Logan 10 Years On
It’s strange to look back at the story I wrote for SOFT UK back in 2011; it almost feels like it was written by someone else. Whilst I’m still thankful for my time carrying Logan and all experiences my pregnancy with him allowed me to have, there have been far more downs than ups over the past 10 years.
In 2012 I met my current partner and fell pregnant again in 2013. The screening test that had detected there was a high risk of Logan having Edward’s Syndrome was no longer in place, so I worried constantly that there was something wrong that just wasn't being picked up in scans. We found out we were having a girl and to help me get through the pregnancy, I convinced myself that maybe I just couldn’t carry boys successfully, so everything would hopefully be OK because it was a girl this time.
When Emily was born, I found myself in a state of shock and denial. In the hospital I remember buzzing the midwives constantly to get them to come in and lift her as I was terrified. I couldn’t quite get my head around the fact I had a real live baby and was sure something was going to go wrong. The magnitude of the loss I had experienced with Logan didn’t hit me until I had Emily. It was only then that I properly started to mourn him, whilst trying to get to grips with being a new Mum. Looking back, it took me a long time to form a bond with her; I think I was scared to get close to her in case something happened.
When Emily was 9 months old, we found out I was pregnant again. I was already struggling with my mental health, so it was a huge shock for us. We found out we were having a boy, so even though we had a happy healthy baby girl, my anxiety was amplified due to the fact I’d previously convinced myself that I maybe I just wasn’t able to carry boys successfully. Thankfully, all went to plan and Lochlan was delivered safe and well when Emily was almost 18 months old.
My health visitor picked up on the fact that I was suffering severe anxiety about being on my own with both children together and encouraged me to speak to my GP, who was really helpful. I was diagnosed with post-natal depression and put on medication. It made such a huge difference and made me realise that I probably should have sought help when Emily was born. I came off the medication in 2019 and it has been a roller coaster ever since.
Logan was buried in the same grave as my Dad, Gran & Grandpa, but it took me until February 2021, his 10 year anniversary, to have his details added to the headstone. As the years passed, it just never felt like the right time to do it. Now that it has been done, I feel that a huge weight has been lifted and that I can finally start to deal with other unresolved issues relating to Logan’s delivery.
It means a great deal to me to be involved with SOFT UK and to play a part in helping other families affected by Trisomy; it has been part of the healing process for me too.
